Report from Red Sox Country

By Boston Dan
Correspondent for www.drunkenbleachers.com

The Y@nkees (it's bad luck to fully spell their name) have their final showdown of the regular season with the Boston Red Sox on Sunday,September 26, 2004. Since I don't earn seven figures, and I don't want to sell my girlfriend's body, I will not be able to afford the price of scalped tickets. Instead, I will be watching the game from the corner booth at Boston Beerworks, across the street from the park. I will be eating "rally" nachos, "rally" wings, and beer; each of which (it has been scientifically proven) add one run to the sox total for the day. Except for the beer... That is in case Manny and the boys still fall short. But that won't happen, not this year, not in 2004, not in Red October.

In any event, JUST for added insurance, I invited some fellow drunkenbleacher-goers to play a round of "rally" golf (2 additional runs!) with me before the game. I enjoyed my old college roommates response: Dan,Saturday night we should def go out for beers. As for golf on Sunday, I would play except for the following:

1) I would have to lug clubs all the way up there from Nantucket.
2) I can't afford greens fees.
3) I need to go and buy shoes and some other things Sunday morning instead.
4) I will have a lot of grading and various other work that I will needto do then as I will be too hungover to do anything Saturday morning(he's a teacher).
5) The chemicals used to treat golf courses seep into the soil,poisoning our groundwater supply and hurting small insects.
6) Golf does not involve violent collisions. I prefer that my sports involve violent collisions.
7) Tiger Woods dates a swedish nanny and I am jealous and bitter.
8) I am awful at golf.
9) George Bush supports golf.
10) The number of dimples on a golf ball varies, depending on the manufacturer and may even be different for different models made by the same manufacturer. The dimples are usually the same size as one another,but some golf balls have several different sizes of dimple on the same ball. Any number between 300 and 500 dimples is reasonable, and 336 is a common number. Not just any number will do. Golf balls are usually covered with dimples in a spherically symmetrical way, and for many values of N, it is impossible to cover the golf ball uniformly without gaps. Symmetry is important or the ball will wobble or its flight will depend on which part of the ball is forwards or sideways as the ball spins. You can get an idea of how to space dimples uniformly around a sphere by thinking about the "platonic solids" -- the tetrahedron, cube,octahedron, dodecahedron and icosahedron, and placing a dimple at the corners of an inscribed platonic solid. But I don't like dimples.
11) Playing golf would require me to wear a shirt with a collar.11b) Playing golf would require me wear more than just my underwear.11c) Golf is in no way related to microwave popcorn.
12) With the Ryder Cup over, I am concentrating my efforts to make a US National team are being centered on the sport of Team Handball.
13) Why whallup a golf ball with a golf club when you can whallup aYankee fan?14) Golf is in no way related to _____'s hot cousin.
15) Ever since The Incident I have not been allowed to operate golfcarts.
16) My contract with the Patriots stipulates that I am not allowed to play golf.
17) Golf spelled backwards is Flog. This is actually a reason why one would want to play golf.
18) It requires minimal amounts of physical exertion... Minimal is too much on Sunday morning.
19) Swinging a real golf club may mess up my Golden Tee trackball "swing."
20) Golf courses are not equipped with hammocks.20b) Golf courses are not equipped with laser weilding killer attack robots, which are so cool.
21) The is one documented case in medical history of a 24 year old girl dancing barefoot on a lawn at a wedding. The girl recieved an open cuton her foot. Extremely rare flesh eating bacteria entered the cut. She was extremely lucky to have doctors correctly diagnose the infection and treat her with out losing her leg, or life. There is a lot of grass at a golf course and I want to play it safe.
22) If your golf bag is not outfitted with a small black and white television like Rodney Dangerfield's in Caddyshack then there's really no point.
23) Golf is a game of physics. I have already mastered physics. I am looking for new challenges.
24) I don't like golf.

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