Holy Crap I Can't Believe We Won!

By Boston Dan
Correspondent for www.drunkenbleachers.com

I know for a fact that every last one of you is thinking the same thing right now: Holy $h!t!!! The Sox just won the World Series (and the world didn't end)! Well, I have been thinking that for the past 24 hours and it has raised a few questions...

We will never have to listen to rival fans chant 1918 again. We will actually never have to listen to them chant ANY year ever again... Even if it takes Boston another 86 years to win another title, I doubt very much that anyone in 2090 will want to chant "2004". It just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Every year, the Boston Department of public works tries to fix the sign on Storrow Drive that should read "Reverse Curve". Every year immediately after they fix the sign, someone repaints it to say: "Reverse the Curse". Will this pattern remain?

Last year my brother gave me Cowboy Up: the Red Sox 2003 DVD... I can finally take off the plastic wrap and watch it.

Can Steinbrenner fire EVERYBODY?

Poor Nomar.

In 2005 the Red Sox are going to open up the regular season against the Yankees... That means that they will all be standing on the field as our World Series banner is being unveiled. HA!

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It's Okay to Gloat A Little Bit...

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Red Sox fans, it's okay to gloat a little bit (or okay, a lot) after the hometown team's victory over the Yankees, but in your haste, don't forget to indulge yourself by reading the headlines coming out of the Bronx. Here are a few of my favorites:

The cover of today's NY Daily News reads: $194M Buys Everything But the Heart and Soul of a Champion.

From the New York Times: "Only Game Left for Yankees: Where Did It All Go Wrong?"

In a New York Post Poll, 40% of readers have voted the 2004 New York Yankees as the biggest choke in sports history.

And a couple more from the New York Daily News to warm your heart:

The Daze After

Fans of Sox in the City: "Some might call them the enemies in our midst"

Then for your ultimate pleasure, go back and re-read the warm and fuzzy stories out of Boston.

Turning to Hollywood for Game 7 Inspiration

By Logan 5
Correspondent for www.drunkenbleachers.com

For many of us, we can find movie allegories for many real life events. It is also fun to ponder how some of our favorite scenes would play out with Yankees and Red Sox personalities in starring roles. They say comedy helps relieve the stress and anxiety but I may be too far gone after the last 3 games to be coherent but here goes.

Some examples:

David Ortiz starring as Roy Hobbs in the cinematic version of The Natural. Big Papi hits ANOTHER walk off dinger and the lights explode (along with Steinbrenner’s head) all over Yankee Stadium. You may not see NYC crying in the dark but I’m sure we’ll be able to hear it all the way up here in Boston. (Note: So as not to anger the Baseball Gods, I specify the movie and NOT the book. In print, Roy whiffs to end the game)

Steinbrenner, appearing on the Diamondvision wearing a hood, announcing "Pedro, I am your father. You cannot resist the power of the Dark side."

Steinbrenner (again) on Joe Torre if the Yanks choke "I’m having an old friend for dinner. I’ll enjoy his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti."

Brian Cashman being drawn and quartered a la Mel Gibson’s Braveheart. I’m not quite sure what he will be yelling but it won’t be "Freedom". Although it may be if he gets canned following the game 7 loss.

Manny Ramirez enjoying that blissful, blessed ignorance of Peter Seller’s Chauncy the Gardner in Being There. Actually, this one is that big a stretch.

Derek Jeter dancing down the street singing "I’m gay!!" from Brain Candy, the Kids in the Hall movie.

A-Rod crying and endlessly repeating "Why me?" a la Nancy Kerrigan. I Know its not a movie moment but it is a great visual.

Curt Schilling, kneeling on the mound, wearing a cowboy hat and rubbing a handful of dirt saying "I love the smell of tiger balm in the morning. It smells like . . . VICTORY!"

These are just a few and I hope you guys post some more in your responses.

GO SOX!!

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In Surprise Move, Sox Name Monty Stratton Game 6 Starter

By Logan 5
Correspondent for www.drunkenbleachers.com

Following in the footstep of famed one-legged pitcher Monty Stratton, the Sox have named Curt Schilling as their Game 6 starter. Although Monty had better push with his wooden foot.

After seeing the boot Curt will be wearing, he looks like a monopedal dominatrix. "You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you. Now whine like little b****h Jeter!"

But seriously.

I must give the Missus her props. I was done with the Old Town Team on Sunday. I’d had enough heartache and was not going to invest myself or waste three more hours of my life watching a sweep by the Godless Yankees. In short, baseball season was over and it was time to devote myself the Patriots march to the Super Bowl.

BUT MY WIFE WOULDN’T LET ME.

As game time rolled around, she came bounding down the stairs, proudly wearing her DB "Boston Believe" Shirt, (and it is a sharp shirt!) demanding I to "turn on the game." Note: She is only a recent Sox convert having grown up in the West. Last year was her only real, personal experience with the Sox’ Sisyphusian history of dramatic failure.

I replied "Why? The Sox are dead to me."

"You can’t give up! This is the year. They can’t lose – I’m wearing my lucky shirt" she replied.

I responded with an explanation of the meaning of the 3-0 deficit, the horror of Game 3, my lifetime of mental cruelty as a diehard fan and the ultimate kicker "Wouldn’t you rather watch Desperate Housewives instead."

"NO!"

So we watched the game.

And the Sox WON!

And now I’m back on the bandwagon, ready to have my heart torn out and stomped flat. Again. And the Game 5 win gives that hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t my late father asking me about the score.

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Good Luck Pumpkin

Red Sox good luck pumpkin (courtesy of Boston Dan)

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Tonight it begins...

By Boston Dan
Correspondent for www.drunkenbleachers.com

Tonight, it begins....

You are Keith Foulke. It is October 31st, 2004, Game 7 of the World Series. You are standing on the mound, facing the last Cardinals' batter in the bottom of the 9th with a man on second. The Sox are up 4-3; there are two outs and a full count. You are one strike away from winning the world series for Boston on Halloween night, and the crowd is roaring...thundering, louder than it’s ever been in 102 years. You know that 35,000 people are screaming at you from inside the park, but you also know that about 1,500,000 are jammed into Kenmore square, ready to experience for the first time, what many have waited a lifetime for. And they are thundering and cheering. They are louder than the people in the park and drowning them out. From the Hood Blimp 600 feet over Kenmore Square, you are one tiny speck in the midst of a sea green, surrounded by a sea of red. The red is a constantly moving mass of fans. Millions of them. You are at the epicenter of this scene and their hopes and dreams weigh on your shoulders... just a speck. You have to deliver the baseball over home plate, and if you can do that without letting the batter crush it over the right field wall, you will be deified. The plate is 60 feet 6 inches away, and the batter is paid about 5 million dollars a year to do only one job: hit baseballs over right field walls. You can’t hear yourself think. The batter stands in… Time to go to work.
How do you feel?

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In Preparation for the playoff games at Fenway: A Guide to Heckling

By Boston Dan, correspondent for www.drunkenbleachers.com

To Heckle as defined by dictionary.com:

1. tr. v. To try to embarrass and annoy (someone speaking or performing in public) by questions, gibes, or objections; badger.

2. n : An instrument with long iron teeth set in a board, a kind of large comb…

Although Johnny Damon and his Hair may disagree, the most pertinent definition for Sox fans this weekend will be the first (can’t you just imagine Johnny sitting in the dugout, primping with a heckle?) Anyway, I thought that it might be important to go over some of the general guidelines of heckling after watching the way in which Anaheim fans embarrassed themselves on Tuesday night, each fan mind-numbingly slapping his/her "Thunder Stix" together like a herd (flock? school?) of harbor seals.

Oh, you think I’m being too harsh? Look: I let the rally monkey slide because after all, who doesn’t like monkeys, but this Thunder Stix thing is just the next step in a downward spiral that the Angels fans have been descending into ever since Disney started running the show.

Still think I am overreacting? Consider the place where Thunder Stix came from: the NBA. I still don’t really know what NBA fans are fans of… It certainly isn’t basketball. Now, I am not saying that Thunder Stix ruined the NBA; the NBA ruined itself, but Thunder Stix clearly didn’t help the situation. The bottom line is that baseball is THE premiere sport for heckling. There is no need for prosthetic phalluses for little children to beat each other over the head with… That’s just gross. Be creative, clap with your hands, and for God’s sake, leave the F-bombs for those no-class Yankee fans; we’re from Boston, the hub of American Academia.

Now for the instructional segment of the guide:

1. The two oldest heckles in baseball history are: "You Bum!" and "You Stiff!" Please note that they are not interchangeable. Bum refers to a player, while Stiff refers to an umpire. Exception: Brian Daubach. Every bad name in the book applies to that guy.

2. If you feel the need to become graphic, make sure your heckles are "over the heads" of little kids. Example: the popular "Shrunken Testes" chant for Jason Giambi, referring to his Steroid use.

3. If you find yourself at Fenway Park during the ALCS, and we are playing the Yankees, let it first be known that you are a lucky bastard, and I should have your tickets. Secondly, you need to be prepared for the chance that you may engage in a "hecklers’ duel". This occurs when you and a Y@nkees fan in your section become locked in a back and forth barrage of insults. In seasons past, Sox fans had to rely on the strength and accuracy of their arm to end the duel by firing a half full beer at the Y@nkees fan. The NY fan would of course (being prone to ‘roid rage) come over to your seat and beat the crap out of you. Eventually the cops would show up and, being disgusted by the site of a NY fan having drawn Boston blood, arrest the NY fan and leave you in peace. In 2004, my man in the front office, Larry Lucchino, made the whole process a whole lot easier and less painful with a new phone number for Fenway Security. Here are step by step instruction on how to win the duel:

a. Start duel by yelling insults in the NY fan’s direction. After a few minutes, make it personal. Talking about how trashy his wife looks in all that cheap make-up and spray on self-tanner is usually a good start.

b. When you think that the duel is on the verge of becoming physical, take your seat.

c. Whip out your cell phone (in years past you might have whipped something else out, but not now. We have the technology!) and dial 617-226-6411. This is the number for the new Fenway Park security team. It is a dedicated number for people calling from inside the park that have a problem with other fans.

d. Tell the nice officers where you are and that a belligerent Y@nkee fan is threatening you and your loved one, and her chastity.

e. When the call is complete, stand up and yell over to the Y@nkee fan: "Hey, this is silly, I’m just going to sit here and find out who wins for myself. It’s too bad that you got arrested and won’t see the rest of the game".

f. Watch the confused look on his face turn to horrified realization as the cops come over and haul him away.

You should not be afraid to use this method. Trust me, Boston cops LOVE tossing Y@nkee fans into the holding cell. Thanks for the new phone number, Larry!!

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Report From Red Sox Country

By Boston Dan Correspondent for www.drunkenbleachers.com

Let's get some things straight so that hopefully, I won't have tomention them again during the playoffs: 1. Byung-Hyung Kim should be traded for a sack of baseballs. Baseballs that have already been used in batting practice. Y@nkee battingpractice. I'm not saying he's totally worthless as a pitcher (yes I am) but he has no business pitching for the Boston Red Sox. We gave him a chance. We gave him many chances. What did we get in return? Blown saves and the middle finger. Rumor has it that when B.K. was called back up to the majors during the series against Baltimore, the sox pitching staff madehim apologize for sucking, before allowing him to board the team bus. Talk about degrading. Talk about justice. As much as I think that B.K. is the worst sox reliever since Heathcliff Sloccumb (who we traded for Varitek and Lowe), the loss against Baltimore wasn't totally his fault. He never should have been in there... which leads me to my second point: 2. Terry Francona is a jellyfish, or in any event, some kind of invertebrate. Terry should be fired as soon as the season is over. Unfortunately for us, if we fire him now, it may cause too much disruption in the club and the result would be worse than if we just let him continue to float around in the dugout. Frankly, letting B.K. Kim pitch in a close game, then forcing the sox to participate in a reenactment of Game 7 by leaving Pedro in too long against the Y@nkees was too much to handle. Doesn't he realize that the only reason he got the job in the first place is because his predecessor let Pedro pitch in the 8th inning, with a lead, against he Y@nkees? Beyond dumb. He should be fired for that alone as a message to future managers: "No seriously, don't do that." But wait, I'm not done with Terry just yet...When the third base ump botched the first tag call in game 1 of the last Baltimore series, Francona should have argued until he was ejected. He didn't. When the same ump screwed up another tag call in the SAME game,he should have gone ballistic. Francona had no excuse for NOT doing what every other manager would have done: Throw his hat, kick some dirtat the ump's feet and get tossed out. But he didn't. Only the next day when the sox threw behind a Y@nkees batter did he decided to argue and get thrown out. But even then, he proved to be such an ineffective cusser, he seemed like he and the ump were conducting afreakin' knitting circle. He needed to beg the ump to eject him, which the ump reluctantly did. You could practically see him mouthing:"Please Sir, would you be so kind as to send me to the locker room so that anyone watching this game will think I have testicles?"It's good to see that the Red Sox have clinched a playoff spot, even if we didn't nab the AL East.

Here are some notes on food preparation during games since that seems to have been a hot topic of late:- Pumpkin Beer is good for the Sox but beware: Post Road Pumpkin Ale is brewed in New York. It's presence ensure a loss. Always check to see where your beer is brewed before consuming it. You should check this even before the nutrition label on all foods, since it is three times as important.- Always know WHO prepares your food. I was at a sox/y@nks party last weekend and the hosts had a crock-pot full of beans. Normally this is a good thing for everyone involved (except your sleeping partner). This particular host however (We will call him Pat R.) had a secret. Pat chose not to reveal this secret until the sox had lost and the game wasover. It seems that the dish had been prepared by a woman who loves theY@nkees. I still feel violated. Something has entered my body that never should have, and it cost the Red Sox a game. I have forgiven Pat. Pat will pay for what he has done in the next word, when he has to answer to a headless Ted Williams.

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