Joke

For your entertainment, this Red Sox-Yankees joke was submitted by Vanessa of Wareham, MA:

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond in the Boston Common when one is attacked by a vicious dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, breaking the dog's neck and luckily stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal.." he starts writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again: "Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said. "I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

One year ago today...

Congratulations White Sox

Photo submitted by Boston Dan/from Yahoo Sports

Congratulations Chicago White Sox, the new World Champs.

I was disappointed that the Houston Astros couldn't even put up a fight in this series. The National League is really becoming the "new Triple-A" after getting swept 4-0 in the World Series two years in a row.

Introducing the Fox Filter

Did anyone living outside of Chicago and Houston stay awake to the bitter end of the longest night in World Series history?

Considering that you would have had to suffer through five hours and forty-one minutes of another painfully bad Fox broadcast, you probably went to bed early.

Not me. I have a very special device: THE FOX FILTER.

I just push some buttons and turn a few nobs in the privacy of my home, and the FOX FILTER successfully filters out all of the "Foxisms" that make the Fox broadcast of this World Series the worst ever.

The FOX FILTER eliminates the zooming graphics, the flashing advertisements, the cross-promotions, up to 200 reminders that 'Prison Break' is on at 9pm on Monday, "gopher cam", "Scooter the talking baseball", any interview with Bernie Mac and most importantly, the play by play commentary of Fox World Series announcers, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

Here is an example of Buck-McCarver dialogue from World Series Game 2 that my FOX FILTER was able to eliminate (courtesy of Eric Wilbur at Boston.com):

Buck: While you were watching that ad for the new Fox hit "Bones" Tuesday nights at 8, right here on the Fox network, I'll just let you know the only thing you missed was a Morgan Ensberg home run to make it 1-0 Astros.

McCarver: The Astros are looking for their first World Series victory in their first World Series appearance. They've finally made it to the wedding, after being left at the altar so many times before. It's like Eartha Kitt once sang, "Who´s got the ding dong, who´s got the bell. Somebody know but nobody tell."

Buck: My God, where's Troy Aikman?

McCarver: He's sitting there behind home plate.

Buck: Indeed he is. And you can catch my other booth partner and I every week on Fox NFL Sunday, right after JB, Terry, Howie and Jimmy at noon.

McCarver: You know, Joe, I just wanted to remind people of what a great job Jorge PO-SaDA did running from first to third in Game 4 against the California Angels.

Buck: First of all, for our young viewers out there, Tim means the Los Angeles Angels, and second of all, that was two weeks ago.

McCarver: The point being, Aaron Rowand stopped at second. Bad base running. If that were PO-SaDA, he would have scored twice in all likelihood.

Buck: Right. Let's see what Scooter thinks. Scooter…

(I honestly can't tell if this transcript is real or a parody. Are Buck and McCarver mentally ill or just totally lame?)

The FOX FILTER is now being mass produced and will be widely available in stores soon. Buy the stock. Meanwhile, I'm going to crank mine up tonight for Game 4 and watch some good old fashioned baseball. Hopefully I'll be able to forget that 'Prison Break' is on Mondays at 9/8c.

This link is brought to you by Boston Dan:

"...if you ever run into A-Rod and ask for a picture, be prepared to get huffed at and then maybe thrown the finger." Read Why A-Rod Sucks.

--------------------

And this is the most ridiculous thing I have heard all day. From SI.com:

Man Requests Longer Prison Term to Honor Larry Bird

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) -- A man got a prison term longer than prosecutors and defense attorneys had agreed to -- all because of Larry Bird.

The lawyers reached a plea agreement Tuesday for a 30-year term for a man accused of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery. But Eric James Torpy wanted his prison term to match Bird's jersey number 33.

"He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in Larry Bird's jersey," Oklahoma County District Judge Ray Elliott said Wednesday. "We accommodated his request and he was just as happy as he could be.

I love Larry too, but...

Top 10 Reasons to Root for the Astros

The Boston Red Sox reign as World Champions is about to officially end.

Here are the top 10 reasons to root for the Houston Astros:

10. The Red Sox aren't in the World Series.

9. Carl Everett plays for the White Sox. I just can't root for a guy who doesn't believe that dinosaurs existed. Everett was a clubhouse cancer when he was in Boston. If you need to jog your memory, read this article.

8.The Astros have never won a World Series. The White Sox just won one in 1917.

7. The Astros don't blame their post-season futility on a curse. Refreshing, isn't it?

6. Chicago is running out of therapists - for Cubs fans that is. Has anyone thought about what Cubs fans are going through this postseason? If you haven't, read this article.

5. Andy Pettitte. The Yankees were dumb enough to let Pettitte go. Steinbrenner will throw his favorite paper weight through a twelfth story window if Pettitte gets another World Series ring before Yankees do. Anything that makes Steinbrenner unhappy, makes me happy.

4. Roger Clemens. The Rocket duped the Yanks by faking his retirement and then signing with his hometown team in Houston. I'm willing to bet that Clemens will go to the Hall of Fame as an Astro instead of as a Yankee if he wins a World Series with his hometown team. Wouldn't that just piss the Yankees off?

3. The Astros have good, loyal tortured fans. They were so close to getting to the World Series in '86 and '04 only to have their hearts broken. I can relate. I'll forgive them for the "buzzing" as long as they put away the thundersticks.

2. Biggio and Bagwell. Think Ray Bourque. Biggio and Bagwell have 18 and 15 Major league seasons with the Astros without any real postseason success.

1.The Astros Minute Maid Park has a miniature Citgo sign in left field as an homage to Fenway Park. I'll take this as a "sign" to pull for the Astros.

There's Always Last Year Vol. II

We're allowed to celebrate the one year anniversary of the greatest comeback in sports history, right? It deserves at least a champagne toast, doesn't it?

Okay, it's pathetic, I know. It's not our year anymore, it's somebody else's year.

I hope that I'm not dancing a jig in a nursing home in Revere in the year 2084 in honor of "the 80th anniversary of the Red Sox Great Comeback". It's okay to celebrate this one time though, right?

Here is an excerpt from Bob Hohler's article "Miracle Workers" in the October 21, 2004 Boston Globe:

Just as they pictured it, they changed the course of baseball history. And just like a dream, they dashed generations of heartache for New Englanders who longed to witness the one glorious triumph they staged last night in the October chill by the Harlem River.

In the greatest postseason comeback since the birth of the national pastime, the Red Sox completed a magical surge from a 3-0 deficit in the best-of-seven American League Championship Series by stomping the Yankees, 10-3, in a do-or-die seventh game to capture their first pennant since 1986.

"How many times can you honestly say you have a chance to shock the world?" Kevin Millar said in the frothy celebration after the sensational finish. "It might happen once in your life or it may never happen. But we had that chance, and we did it. It's an amazing storybook."

--------------------

Back in the present day, apparently the Dale Sveum era is over in Boston. As reported by the Boston Globe's Chris Snow, Sveum Waves Goodbye:

Never again will Dale Sveum stand in the Red Sox clubhouse after a game, a beer in hand, waiting patiently for every reporter in sight to gather around him before calmly explaining why he sent another runner to a fateful end.

For the record, I wouldn't want the Red Sox third base coaching job.

For the record again, there is still a World Series and I'm picking the Astros in 7.

"Darkbuster" Photo by Kay_O

I moved from Boston, MA to Seattle, WA two years ago. Family and friends aside, these are the things that I miss most about Boston:

My overpriced 400 square foot apartment in the Fenway, Dunkin' Donuts coffee, Pumpkinhead Ale from Boston Beer Works and seeing "drunk punk" band, Darkbuster, play on a regular basis.

That being said, you can understand why I was on cloud nine Tuesday night when Darkbuster played Seattle as part of the "Boston Invasion Tour". Other bands on the bill were Lost City Angels, Gangreen, and fan favorites, the Dropkick Murphys.

The show didn't disappoint. It provided a "little taste of home" for transplanted Bostonians and pulled in some West Coast fans too. If you live in Western Canada, Minnesota or Wisconsin, the tour is coming your way next. Otherwise, check out Darkbuster when they get back to the East Coast.

There's Always Last Year

2005

I had a David Lynch moment Saturday night.

While sitting on my barstool at the Quarter Lounge, the music stopped suddenly, the lights flickered and a little beady eyed man that I had never seen before shuffled toward me, held up his right index finger and for no apparent reason shouted in my ear: "The universe has been turned upside down. First the Red Sox won the World Series and now this year the White Sox are going to win." Then he stumbled away and the music came back on in the bar. I'm not sure if he was real. I may have been dreaming. What I do know is that I wanted the universe to stay at whatever cosmic angle it was at in October of 2004. I wanted the Red Sox to win the World Series again.

One year ago today, I had thrown in the towel (we all had, admit it). How naive! The Yankees had just beaten us 19-8 the day before. It was getting ugly. No baseball team had ever come back from a 3-0 series deficit to win. The Yankees were headed to the World Series. Then a little man named Dave Roberts stole a base and a big man named Papi hit a homerun and "The Comeback" was on.

2004

If you need some chicken soup for your baseball fan soul the way that I do, here is an excerpt from Dan Shaughnessy's October 18th article, The Dream Stays Alive:

Down three games to none, and down 4-3 in the bottom of the ninth, the Sox last night rallied to tie the game against indomitable Yankee closer Mariano Rivera. They won it in the 12th inning at 1:22 this morning when Ortiz hit a Paul Quantrill 2-and-1 pitch into the Yankee bullpen to give the Red Sox a 6-4 Game 4 victory at Fenway Park. The game lasted 5 hours, 2 minutes, and many of those who stayed for the finish lingered even longer into the morning.

Aaaah. Sigh.

I'm not a huge college football fan. That may be because my alma marter only had 1800 students, barely enough to fill the first row of a mega-stadium. We spent Saturday afternoons in the library. It may be because it seems unnatural to root for the football team of a university that I have no affiliation with. But holy schnike I watched every minute of the USC vs Notre Dame game yesterday afternoon and it was one of the most entertaining games I have ever seen.

If you missed it, I am sure that you will be able to catch it on ESPN Classic within the week. I couldn't help but feel like a proud parent watching former New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator, Charlie Weis, almost pull off the upset as head coach of Notre Dame. The only bad move he made was to have his Fighting Irish wear those bad luck kelly green uniforms.

--------------------

This is going to be a tough afternoon in my household. My significant other is from Denver and is a Broncos fan. I am from Massachusetts and I am a Patriots fan. I am wearing red white and blue, he's donning Broncos' orange. I will be on one side of the couch, he on the other. He says the Broncos have a chance against The Champs. We'll see. I won't be sharing my popcorn.

GO PATS!

The Pierzynski Play

I admit it. I am having trouble focusing on the Angels--White Sox series. I really don't care who wins. I was drinking shiraz and watching hockey (remember that sport?) during the controversial ninth inning call last night.

If you missed "The Pierzynski Play" too, here is a summary from ABC News that I've read seven times and it still doesn't make sense to me:

The ninth inning was over. And then it wasn't. And then Joe Crede gave the White Sox what is sure to go down as one of the most disputed victories in playoff history.

Given a second chance when plate umpire Doug Eddings called strike three but not the third out Chicago beat the Los Angeles Angels 2-1 Wednesday night to even the best-of-seven AL championship series at a game apiece.

I did tune into ESPN in time to watch about a dozen replays of the call from two dozen different angles. In my opinion, this was a huge blown call by the entire umpiring crew. First of all, Angels catcher, Josh Paul, caught the third strike. The ball never hit the ground. The inning should have been over. One of the five other umpires should have seen this and called the batter out. Second, home plate umpire Doug Eddings indicated that the batter was out by raising his right arm in a "you're out" motion (twice).

The umpires' press conference was almost embarrassing to watch. It reminded me of three state police officers trying to justify why they gave an unnecessary speeding ticket. They all refused to admit the mistake. Eddings explained his "balled fist" motion as his standard call for a swinging strike: "That's my strike three mechanic", he said. Riiiight.

I guess I'll just be glad that this didn't happen to the Red Sox or I would be one of 500,000 unruly fans protesting in front of the Bud Selig's office right about now.

--------------------

In semi-related news, White Sox chairman, Jerry Reinsdorf, reportedly rejected John Cusack's request for ALCS tickets. According to the Chicago Sun Times:

When actor John Cusack reportedly inquired about getting tickets recently, Reinsdorf rejected him. He still remembers when Cusack -- who starred in "Eight Men Out'' about the 1919 "Black Sox'' who threw the World Series -- became the world's biggest Cubs fan during the North Siders' 2003 playoff run. Cusack used to be a White Sox fan," Reinsdorf said, recalling Cusack coming to the Sox 2000 playoffs. "He showed his true colors. Now that we won, someone on his behalf called my office. I wouldn't give them to him." Read the full article, No celebs? No problem

Photo from MLB.com

Wow. You'd think that the White Sox would want all the fans that they can get -- especially a fan who starred in 'Say Anything'.

Is there is some sort witch hunt going on in Chicago these days? Are fans who switch their loyalties being reported to the authorities? "I have a photo of my next door neighbor wearing a Cubs hat back in 2003 but I saw him leaving the house yesterday morning with a black and white foam White Sox finger. Arrest him! Don't let him into US Cellular Field!"

Nomah!

Could we find a way to get Nomar back on the Sox? This is the best story I've heard in a while:

Nomar Rescues 2 Women in Boston Harbor

"BOSTON - Former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra rescued two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor late last week, his uncle and a witness told the Boston Herald. Garciaparra, traded to the Chicago Cubs on July 31, 2004, was with his uncle in his Charlestown condominium at about 10 p.m. Friday when they heard a scream and a splash, said the uncle, Victor Garciaparra.

As soon as the All-Star shortstop and two-time American League batting champ ran out the door to help the woman, her friend also fell in, hitting her head on the pier, said Victor Garciaparra, who oversees his nephew's business and charitable ventures. I swam towards them and by the time I reached them, Nomar was already there holding the girls up, he told the newspaper. “But he couldn'’t get them up without help.

One woman had a large lump on her head and appeared to be unconscious, he said. When she came to, the first thing she said was: “'Are you Nomar?' Victor Garciaparra said."
Read the full article at MSNBC.com

This confirms my suspicion that Nomar is a superhero disguised as a baseball player.

Thanks for passing the link along Dan!

Storybook Ending

Red Sox Nation got a storybook ending after all. True, game winning heroics from Big Papi or a little bit of dramatic sock blood from Schilling would have been a million times better. Under the circumstances though, this will have to do:

The 2005 season is over for the Yankees and in beautifully horrifying fashion.

Bubba Crosby and Gary Sheffield collided in the outfield in the second inning Monday night allowing a ball off the bat of Adam Kennedy to drop and two runs to cross the plate for the Angels. A-Rod grounded into a double play in the ninth inning to kill one last Yankees rally. A-Rod finished the series without an RBI. A-Rod "played like a dog."

Storybook, right?

The bad news is that if we want to watch baseball this fall, we will have to tolerate the "battle of the thundersticks" between White Sox fans and Angels fans.

If you are not familiar with the thunderstick phenomenon, this is when two inflatable rectangular objects are clapped together in a sea lion-like motion for the purpose of making a sound like "thud". No, this is not a mating ritual. It is done to show approval for the home team and when done simultaneously by thousands of people, it is commonly known as "the most annoying sound in North America".

I know that Angels fans have been doing the thunderstick thing since their World Series run in 2002, but apparently now the city of Chicago has adopted thundersticks almost as quickly as they jumped on the White Sox bandwagon. Forget steroids, Congress should take on thundersticks. They are ruining the integrity of the game of baseball.

--------------------

The best story from the weekend came out of the crazy 18 inning game between the Braves and Astros on Sunday. Apparently, the same fan sitting in the bleachers in Houston caught Lance Berkman's eighth inning grand slam and the game winning homerun off the bat of Chris Burke. I hope that this guy left the baseball game and went directly to his local casino. Nobody is that lucky.

We found this in front of our office this morning. Any tips leading to the capture of the culprits would be appreciated. I am pretty sure that only a Yankee fan could be this cruel.

By the power of the Papi, LET'S GO (RED) SOX!

Tony G: You wanted to see me sir?

Tony S: Tony, Tony, Tony, how could you do this to the Nation? How could you let that ground ball go through your legs last night?

Tony G: Uh...I didn't mean to sir, I just missed it.

Tony S: It would have been an inning ending double play you know.

Tony G: I know. It won't happen again sir.I tried to make up for it in the ninth inning. Did you see my double? I was on second with the tying run.

Tony S: A double isn't good enough. You left it up to Edgar and that is just not acceptable.

Tony G: I know sir, you're right. I shouldn't have counted on Edgar.

Tony S: You know that your team is down 2-0 now, right?

Tony G: Yes, I know.

Tony S: You have to hit a game winning homerun on Friday.

Tony G: Over the Monster?

Tony S: Over the Monster. Or I will hit your melon of a head over the Monster.

Tony G: Ok sir. I understand.

Tony S: Go now. The Nation is counting on you to make it right.

Tony G: I know. I'll get it done.

The Game Of Which We Shall Not Speak

Game 1 of the 2005 ALDS between the Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox will henceforth be referred to as "the game of which we shall not speak." No comments here.

What I do want to say though is where did all of the "ultra" Chicago White Sox fans come from anyway? I have never seen US Cellular Field even close to capacity. My dad and brother went to a game there in June of this year and reported back with the story of how they just walked up to the box office five minutes before the game and bought front row seats. Inside, the fans didn't even bother to cheer during the game.

I have a theory that every head of household in Chicago confiscated his or her family's Cubbie Blue items in the middle of the night and donated them to the nearest Salvation Army then went out the next day and bought White Sox gear. Can we send in the authorities to check those Salvation Army bins? Is there some bandwagon jumping in Chicago these days or have White Sox fans just been hiding out in damp cellars all year waiting to emerge for the playoffs?

THE NHL IS BACK
I am pleased to report that Joe Thornton (pictured above) will no longer be used to measure seismographic activity. Since he hasn't been very busy recently, Joe has been balancing a puck on his head that would fall off in the case of any sort of "tremors" or earthquake. (Yes, this is important because we live in Seattle now and there is supposedly some sort of Megaquake that we need to be ready for.) Anyway, tonight the NHL kicks off its season and Joe can get back to his real job which is scoring some wicked goals.

I know that I am among about 1% of the non-Canadian population who actually noticed that there was no NHL last year, but I am absolutely psyched for the season to start tonight.

Go Bruins and (Red) Sox!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Forget about sugarplums, fruitcakes and mistletoe. This is the most wonderful time of the year. It is the MLB playoff season and the Red Sox are part of it again.

This is the time of year when leave work and plant ourselves directly in a sports bar "because the Red Sox are playing". My little sister will gain her "fall 15" from a playoff diet of Sam Adams Oktoberfest, rally nachos and chicken wings smothered with blue cheese. It is the time of year when we wake up blurry eyed for work because the game wasn't over until one in the morning.

I like the Red Sox chances to give us a few weeks of this too. Sure, the White Sox may have the better record, better pitching, better defense and a better bullpen, but when was the last time that they won a playoff series, 1917? The White Sox and their fans are still in the "we must believe phase."

As Red Sox fans, we know all about this "believe" phase, but we've moved on to the "we can definitely win" phase. We know for sure that there is no curse holding us back. We know that the Bambino's spirit is at rest, that there is no supernatural force to sweep down to cause a mishap when we're on the verge of victory.

The White Sox on the other hand...they could definitely be cursed. The baseball gods won't easily forgive a franchise that threw a World Series. And why aren't their socks actually white?

Go (Red) Sox! See you at the bar.

Phew, We're In...

Photo from Boston.com

Get Your Kicks Now Yankees

Photo from Boston.com

This is not enjoyable.

I swear, I could do without the drama. I might still have one or two of my fingernails in tact if the Sox had clinched their playoff berth sometime last week.

The clinch could have come on a game ending popup off the bat of Blue Jays outfielder, Frank Catalanotto. Corks would have been popped off champagne bottles in the Red Sox clubhouse and Big Papi could have paraded around Fenway on a horse a la 1986.

Then there would have been a few days of meaningless games. Manny probably could have taken a day (or two!) off and we'd all engage in a bit of friendly debate about the starting rotation for the division series. We could have skipped the Saturday Fox National broadcast and instead spent an afternoon with an Ascot picnic basket in the park.

The "drama", the scoreboard watching, the numbers games may be pure entertainment (although a challenge mathematically) for the Joe Bucks and Tim McCarvers of the world, but for Boston Red Sox fans, this is excruciating stuff.

Yankees clinch eighth straight AL East title. Red Sox must win the last game of the season. Clinched at least a tie for the Wild Card. Pass me that antacid, will you?

If the Sox can pull off a win today and carry that momentum into the ALDS, we'll wrap the season up in a nice little bow and say that it was worth all of the nail biting. I'm not sure if my delicate constitution can handle a one game playoff for the Wild Card.

C'mon Curt. Put an end to this today. Go Sox!