Hello. Wage the Intern here. The Bleachers are on their way to the Commissioner's office with what they believe to be video evidence that will absolve Julian Tavarez of his 10 game suspension. What they don't know is that I replaced their so called "evidence" with a Spanish-language cockfighting video. I did the same thing to a Philadelphia Phillies highlights DVD that was sent out to season-ticket holders before I was unceremoniously "let go" as head intern. Ha Ha.

Meanwhile, I got this Ultimate 64 Thing Single Elimination Tournament bracket in my inbox this morning. It was created by "Nantucket Greg" in the spirit of the Final Four. My final four in this tournament are "Curry Paste", "A Cardboard Box" , "The Twelfth Man" and "Large Boots." What about you?

Okay, I'm off to order balloons. Apparently we're throwing a kegger tonight to celebrate the Red Sox Farm system. Can you believe that their prospects were ranked No. 8 by Baseball America? Holy Schnike!

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Fort Myers Report

Drunken Bleachers sent a contingent down to Fort Myers to cover the March 26th Sox game against the Toronto Blue Jays. I’ll be honest, I don’t even know who won the game but we all managed to get pretty insoxicated. Here is a running log:

12:00am – TAMPA - Pat, Vanessa and I touched down in Tampa at about midnight on Thursday. An hour later than expected because JetBlue was having problems with the landing gear. An inauspicious start to the weekend.

9:00am – CLEARWATER – We arrive at Clearwater beach expecting to lay out in the sun for a few hours before heading down to Fort Myers. Unfortunately it’s colder in Clearwater than it is in Boston. The locals are saying that they can’t ever remember it being this cold at the end of March. We decide to pack up and head down to Fort Myers a littler earlier than normal.

11:00pm – FORT MYERS – We have checked into our hotel, the Days Inn on North Cleveland. Pat and Vanessa had to switch rooms because the first one had bed bugs. I don’t recommend this place to any Sox fans who might venture down here next year.

After dropping off our gear we leave to meet up with Mike Smith and Dale Rostinberger for an interview. They are a couple of pitchers in the Minnesota system. Earlier today Mike earned a save against the Yankees, going 1-2-3 in the ninth inning with one strikeout [Robinson Cano]. Dale brings his girlfriend who is ridiculously hot.

The meeting was uneventful and I can report 4 things:

At Jersey’s Sports Café, 23 pitchers of beer cost only $130. 7 pitchers per pitcher..hahaha. Due to the cheap beer and tasty wings, I do recommend this place.

Mike thinks getting rid of Bronson Arroyo was a good thing.

Dale doesn’t like it when I tell his girlfriend that she should stop dating a minor league baseballer and start dating a major league blogger. She declined.

7-11 has good sandwiches at 3am.

8:00am – FORT MYERS – Game Day! I start off by tossing the leftover Cubano sandwich in the microwave. A sure-fire hangover killer. While it’s warming up I shuffle out to the pool for some fresh air. About 3 minutes later I can smell smoke coming from my room. This can’t be good. As I enter the room it’s obvious that something in the microwave had caught fire.

As I unplug it and wait for the blaze to die down, I realize that I had stored my maps and tickets in the microwave so a potentially scruple-lacking maid wouldn’t swipe them. Sweet Jesus. I think…I just… burnt Red Sox tickets?! Surely Sacrilegious… At best unconstitutional (Constitution of Red Sox Nation). NEVER STORE ANYTHING IN THE MICROWAVE.

12:00pm – City of Palms Park – Fortunately the ticket guy, after laughing in my face for 5 full minutes, allowed us into the game even though, in place of tickets, all I could produce was a handful of ashes. Bless his heart.

1:00pm – City of Palms Park – The sun was shining, the beer was flowing, the Sox were playing. Insoxication ensued. As I mentioned I am not sure of the final score. I think my reporting skills may be lacking.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

It looks like RJ's "dark little secret" is officially out.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Take Me To the Specialist

Photo from Boston.com

So...I know that new players undergo a physical exam before officially signing with the Red Sox, but what about a mental exam? It might be prudent to add a "specialist" or a renowned psychologist to the medical staff to avoid any more temper tantrums from Julian "Yo-Yo" Tavarez.

You're in luck if you have Sox-Devil Rays tickets for this season. You probably picked them up because they were the only tickets you could get, but yesterday's incident will definitely renew the timeless ugly rivalry.

--------------------

On the subject of ugly, this article from thesmokinggun.com officially confirms that the Yankees' Randy Johnson is the worst person on earth. Apparently he is doing his best to weasel his way out of child support for his illegitimate daughter. Low. Really low.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

It's tough not to get excited about what appears to be some serious intensity in the 2006 edition of the Red Sox. Yesterday, Josh Beckett challenged Phillies 252 pound first baseman, Ryan Howard, when he "pimped" after hitting a long fly ball.

Remember Spring Training 2005 when we were exposed to photos of the guys as they got pedicures for their Queer Eye for a Straight Guy episode? This year it's all about bean ball and unprintable obscenities. It's safe to say that the 2006 version of the Sox probably won't be watching Aha videos in the clubhouse.

UPDATE: This is what I mean - these guys have some "spunk":
Boston's Tavarez punches D-Ray's Gathright


Photo from Boston.com

Stats count one week from today.

--------------------

I was pointed to the interview "And An Idiot Shall Lead Them" (via deadspin.com) between New York Magazine's Steven Rodrick and Johnny Damon. It's an interesting story as it reinforces what we all thought -- that the Yankees players are "surly" and really do have "sticks up their asses." It seems that Damon is being paid the big bucks not to "simply to hit, catch, and run" but "to remove the stick." The best part though is when Damon discusses his sex life:

"As the conversation shifts to after-hours pursuits, Damon adds nonchalantly, '“My wife wants us to put a swing in our New York place....Damon gives a naughty, kidlike shrug. '“We'’re married; you have to keep it interesting'."” Read the full article from nymag.com

Uggh.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Graffanino On Waivers

Photo from Boston.com

We knew that this day was coming. Good luck Graffer.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

PS. Thank the hockey gods for this.

Okay, so this is promotional "wallpaper" from Virgin Records, but it's still cool. There are supposedly 75 band names depicted in this painting:

View a large version here.

Thus far I have been able to find "Guns and Roses", "Black Flag" and "Smashing Pumpkins". Maybe I need a cup of coffee first. Post your findings in the comments section below.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Sox Acquire Hee Sop Choi

HEE-SOP CHOI! Let the chant begin!

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

WooooooW!

"David Wells asked me to bring him back some for breakfast...I'd like to get some sausages made up in Fort Myers. That sounds good."

Could the Mike Timlin legend get any larger? Check out the Boston Globe article "Prey Time" and the even more terrifying slideshow.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

19 More Games of This (Good!)

Photo from boston.com

Today's strip by The Soxaholix really sums up the emotions evoked by this photo. Check out "At one with it all" by Hart Brachen. It's a must read.

--------------------

Has anyone heard about "Coca-Cola Blak", the new product from Coke? According to the Coca-Cola website, it is:

"a carbonated beverage that fuses Coke effervescence with coffee essence. Every sip is an experience to enliven your senses and welcome new possibilities."

Personally I'd rather have either coffee or Coke but not both together. Maybe Coke "effervescence" works with coffee "essence"? I guess we'll know when it becomes publicly available in ten days.

--------------------

It is interesting, but not surprising that Barry Bonds has decided to sue over the steroid allegations in the book Game of Shadows which was officially released today. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

"Barry Bonds' lawyer says he'll ask a judge to order that the authors of a new book detailing the Giants' slugger's alleged use of steroids turn over any profits they make."

Barry Bonds is taking the exact opposite approach to this situation than he should. There may be a shred of public compassion for Bonds if he would just "be a man" and admit publicly that he is/was a steroids user and that the baseball records he has set are tainted. If he made the choice to be honest and accountable for his actions that would be more heroic than his mission to pass Babe Ruth's home run mark. If he just disappeared altogether that would be even better.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Check out this hilarious article from the Phat Phree: Red Sox Players I'd Do.

Annalisa Ellis explains in excruciating detail which Red Sox players she would have sex with and why. Here is an excerpt:

"With the recent theft of Johnny Damon, I really had to sit down to ponder which Red Sox I would genuinely have sexual encounters with. I mean, obviously, Johnny was number one. There isn't a repressed housewife on the East Coast that wouldn't do him....in response to the recent disillusionment by my former Number One, I've taken a long hard (pun intended) look at the Boston roster and revised my list. Enjoy!" Read the full article

I'm getting married in August so I'll hold back any opinion about her choices, but after going through this photo gallery of the 2004 team I've decided that there is a distinct pattern that the Sox have been trading away their best looking players. Could this be true?

--------------------

On a completely unrelated note, I just used this life expectancy calculator and got the disturbing news that I am expected to live to be 101. That is way too long. Maybe the remedy is to drink more or take up smoking?

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

3 Things to Be Thankful For

Photo by StarrGazr

A dejected Bronson Arroyo cleaned out his locker today and headed to Cincinnati. As usual, Johnny Damon weighed in with his opinion (he really won't go away). From the Hartford Courant:

"They have their plans, and they have their computers, and they believe that's right," Damon said. "Unfortunately, computers don't judge a person's heart."

"The biggest thing that enticed me about the Yankees is knowing that Derek Jeter is going to be here five more years, [Alex Rodriguez] is going to be here five more years, Jorge Posada's going to be here. Bernie Williams is going to be here as long as he wants. I believe they're going to make a big effort to sign Gary Sheffield. Jason Giambi is here three more years....That core is something that enticed me a lot. The core in Boston, unfortunately, is coming to an end."

The core is coming to an end? Maybe. Here are three distinct reasons to be thankful that you're a Red Sox fan:

1. Wily-Mo Pena apparently "hit some absolute bombs" in batting practice today in Florida. According to Chris Snow of the Boston Globe, he hit "one off the scoreboard in left center, one over the scoreboard, and a smattering onto the field behind the left field wall."

That's what I like to hear.

2. The Red Sox don't do silly things like partner with TNA Wrestling. Check out this promotional video (via Deadspin.com) done by the Chicago White Sox. Wow.

3. Terrell Owens doesn't play baseball. Terrell Owens' rap video "Where You At?" is now available for viewing displeasure at terrellowens.com and his new book, Ineligible Receiver: The Real Story of My Journey From the Super Bowl to the Sidelines" is due out in late July. His publisher says: "Finally, the real T.O. story can be told."

Phew! I can't wait to hear his side of the story.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Bye Rockstarter (And then there were nine)

As much as it made me cringe when I heard that another member of the 2004 World Champs has hit the road (I won't miss the guitar solos), the acquisition of Wily Mo Pena in exchange for Bronson Arroyo has the potential to be a great deal for the Red Sox.

That being said, Bronson Arroyo will definitely be missed. I was choked up as I went through Boston.com's photo recap of his three years in Boston. We can't forget that it was Arroyo who hit A-Rod with a pitch on July 24th, 2004 sparking the bench clearing brawl that ignited the Sox on their playoff run. It was Arroyo who had the ball slapped out of his glove by A-Rod during Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS....and ah, his lucky (bizarre) corn rows during the 2004 World Series run. Good luck in Cinci Bronson.

Papi & Pena - Yankees are you scared yet?
(Photo from Yahoo Sports)

Of course the success of the trade will depend on how well Pena performs -- he is only 24 with what Peter Gammons describes on his ESPN Insider Blog as "awesome power and remarkable speed."

Pena will probably start in right field against left handed pitchers. His 2005 statistics against lefties are impressive: .291 BA with a .345 on base percentage and a .536 slugging percentage.

Besides, it's just cool to have a monster-sized guy on the Sox with the name "Wily-Mo".

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Sunday Morning Reading

If you're anything like me, you have about 100 blogs and articles that you wanted to read but didn't have time for during the week. Sunday morning is usually the designated time to "catch up". Today I didn't get very far because I got stuck reading some great stuff by the guys over at Yard Work.

This site has hilarious mock articles written in the first person of professional athletes, broadcasters, writers and other celebrities. I love the latest installment from Johnny Damon: "No Really, These Guys Are Good," and my personal favorites: "A-Rod: A Choad" written as Stephen Colbert, the "chatroom re-enactments of Fox's baseball broadcast team Joe Buck and Tim McCarver" and "Theo Epstein: What's On York iPod." Awesome.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Happy St. Patty's Day! Here is a message from Murph.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

David Ortiz hit a monster homerun (topped off by a fantastic batflip) yesterday for the Dominican Republic in its 7-3 win over Cuba. Big Papi now has only three hits in fourteen at bats but all three are homeruns. His slugging percentage is a whopping .857. Wow.

Watch the video of yesterday's homerun here. I can't wait to see Oritz back on Yawkey Way in a couple of weeks.

--------------------

According to New York Newsday, Johnny Damon has not started in the last two World Baseball Classic games because of a "barking shoulder":

"Damon has not been hitting well in the WBC, but that isn't his only problem. After skipping outdoor pregame batting practice at Angel Stadium last night, he told a Team USA press representative that his left shoulder is 'barking.'"

Would somebody please tell me what a barking shoulder is?

--------------------

I like this rumor about the possibility of Doug Mirabelli returning to the Red Sox almost as much as I enjoy exploring the surface of Mars. According to a Boston Herald article:

"The Red Sox are believed to be on the lookout for a veteran backup catcher and may have set their sights on reacquiring Doug Mirabelli, according to a National League scout...With John Flaherty opting to retire last week and Ken Huckaby sidelined all spring with an inflamed left knee, Josh Bard is the only viable candidate right now to back up Jason Varitek."

According to a source close to the team, Tim Wakefield recently launched the website: www.bringmirabelliback.com.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Krispy Kreme Burger

mmm...cheese...bacon...donuts

If hot dogs and beer don't quite do it for you at the ol' ballpark, you might want to attend a Gateway Grizzlies game where concession stands will be offering up "Baseball's Best Burger".

From ESPN.com:

"Homer Simpson would love the newest taste sensation in minor league baseball: the doughnut burger.

We kid you not. The Gateway Grizzlies of the Frontier League promised to create "Baseball's Best Burger" in time for the team's opener in late May. And they appear to have succeeded.

The ballpark sandwich will include a hamburger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon -- all between a "bun" made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut.If you can find a (loop)hole in your cardiologist's advice, calorie counters predict the monster will set you back about 1,000 calories and 45 grams of fat."

Update: Thanks to my pal Chris for pointing out that the Yarmouth-Dennis Red Sox of the Cape Cod Baseball League actually have been serving up "The Hurler", a burger between two jelly Dunkin' Donuts, for the past two years. Mmmm. As a native Cape Codder, I'd like to believe that this trend started there.

If the donut burger doesn't provide enough calories for you, check out this In-N-Out 100 x 100 burger.


Photos from whatupwilly.blogspot.com

Yikes! Could we get this monstrosity added to the concession menu at Fenway?

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Game 6

My parents remember exactly where they were when JFK was assassinated in 1963. There are two events from my childhood that I can pinpoint exactly where I was. I know that I was in my 6th grade science classroom on January 28, 1986 when the space shuttle Challenger exploded seventy-three seconds after liftoff and I remember that I was in a Danvers, MA hotel room eating cheesits and drinking rootbeer when the ball trickled through Bill Buckner's legs on October 25, 1986.

I have no desire to relive the Challenger moment and I am not going to rush out to see the movie Game 6 when it opens in theaters tonight.

Game 6 was written by novelist extraordinaire, Don DeLillo. The main character, played by Michael Keaton, is a tortured Red Sox fan living in New York during the 1986 World Series. After watching the trailer and reading this review by Ty Burr in the Boston Globe this morning, I decided that it would just be some sick form of self-torture to see this movie:

''Game 6" ends, as it must, with [the main character] in a packed New York bar watching the world as he knows it come once more to an end. This may be especially painful for Sox fans, since director Michael Hoffman replays it all, from Schiraldi to Stanley to the cataclysmic final error....Even after the triumph of two years ago, it feels like horrible justice." -- Ty Burr

Yes, the Red Sox World Series victory in 2004 went a long way towards healing the pain of October 1986, but Game 6 is a moment in time that should be locked away in a dark place in every Red Sox fan's memory and never revisited.

I'd rather spend my Friday night giving my cat a bath or washing my hair multiple times, but I am sure that Game 6 will be a box office smash in New York.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

This photo is in desperate need of a caption.

My sister Jillian encountered this Coco Crisp fan at a Red Sox spring training game in Florida. Yikes. Could this innovative style of cereal box wearing be the replacement for Damon style fake wigs and beards?

It must have been rough getting the duct tape off. Ouch.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Mmmm

(Fenway Beer photo by lelia1225)

Mmmm...cold beer...Fenway...Manny driving in runs, Big Papi hittin' homahs and Boomah mouthing off.

Only thirty two days until the Home Opener. I can hardly wait.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Real Life Simpsons Intro

I wish that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts would reconsider their choices and dish out an Oscar for this real life depiction of the Simpsons Intro (sound definitely needed).

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

A Day Of Goodbyes

Goodbye to Kirby Puckett who died Monday at the age of 45 one day after suffering a stroke. You hate to see one of baseball's good guys meet such an early end. As Carlton Fisk said:

"There was no player I enjoyed playing against more than Kirby. He brought such joy to the game. He elevated the play of everyone around him." -- Hall of Fame catcher Carlton Fisk.

Goodbye to Barry Bonds' legacy. According the book "Game of Shadows", written by two San Francisco Chronicle reporters, Bonds used performance enhancing drugs including steroids for at least five seasons. An excerpt from the book appears in the March 13th issue of Sports Illustrated:

"Beginning in 1998 with injections in his buttocks of Winstrol, a powerful steroid, Barry Bonds took a wide array of performance enhancing drugs over at least five seasons in a massive doping regimen that grew more sophisticated as the years went on..."

Not surprisingly, Bonds had no comment: "I won't even look at it. For what? There's no need to..."



Goodbye to Red Sox catcher John Flahrety who retired today after his botched attempt to catch Tim Wakefield on Sunday. I guess Flaherty "knuckled under pressure." Sorry. Is it too late to dial up the Padres to get Doug Mirabelli back?

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

Wells: "This is a hell of a team"

Cartoon by Frank Galasso

David Wells has decided that he wants to stay in Boston. This is good news considering that he was the Sox best starter (gulp) in 2005--not to mention the potential that Wells the persona has to provide us with some serious entertainment.

I love this Wells quote regarding the 2006 Sox and his reasons for staying:

''There's so much depth it's ridiculous. Live arms. I want to go out on top. I felt this is the best opportunity I have to go out on top. This is a hell of a team."

--------------------

I admit it. I am eagerly awaiting Team USA's first pitch of the World Baseball Classic and not just because Steinbrenner hates it (although that is part of the appeal).

According to New York Newsday, the Yankees posted a sign outside of their spring training ticket office apologizing for the absence of Derek Jeter, Johnny Damon, A-Rod and Bernie Williams:

"We are sorry that certain players will not be present for portions of spring training. These players have elected to participate in the World Baseball Classic. The New York Yankess, (spelled wrong) did not vote to support this event. Any comments you have regarding the World Baseball Classic should be directed to the commissioner of Major League Baseball or the Major League Baseball Players Association."

Are the Yankees being big babies about the World Baseball Classic or what? This was Bud Selig's response:

"At some point in life you got to rise above your own selfish interests. If this sport is to go on to do the heights that we're [anticipating], then you can't, you can't let your own myopic interests guide you. You gotta say ... 'If I can do something that makes this sport bigger and better for the next generation of players, is two or three weeks in spring training one year worth it?' "

Wow. The logistics of the World Baseball Classic are not perfect. It would be better to stop the MLB season halfway through, cancel the all-star game, and play the WBC. Players--especially pitchers--- are not going to be at their peak level of performance in March. That being said, it is going to be fantastic to see MLB stars play for their native countries. It is much more interesting than watching spring training games. I'm intrigued.

--------------------

Two hours of "24" tonight and now I've got the Jacktracker and the 24 Drinking Game. Patch me through.

-----
http://www.drunkenbleachers.com

He's Here

Photo from Boston.com

Okay, so Manny Ramirez made it to camp. He's "here". I love the beard and the highlighted dreadlocks (but I'm not sure if they are safe to touch). Can we stop the media hoopla now and play some ball?

Tonight: Boston Red Sox vs Minnesota Twins 7pm (First game of the Spring - Woo hoo!)

These happen to be two of the most disturbing photos I have ever seen.

Barry Bonds poses as Paula Abdul (Photo from Yahoo Sports)

Hmmmm... (photo from Deadspin.com where they have a good joke to go along with the photo)